starryconstellate | Reading

You're viewing

starryconstellate's Reading Page
Create a Dreamwidth Account Learn More

Reload page in style: light

so ... manage to become lucid during dream again . lucid control is weird , which talk about once before ... do not seem to have direct control over dream and dream events , in essence . today prove that again .

when kossai realise this dream was dream , decide that really want to look behind particular door . but hey , lucid , would do this in fucking style ! so reach hand out , and try to command doorknob with telekinesis .
nothing happen .
try harder .
nothing happen .
strain really , really hard .
nothing happen .

so inevitably give up and just open door regularly in sad , bitter defeat .

would say only ever have 2 real lucid successes - one in which summon character to make out sloppy style , and one in which teleport into new scene . wish could study and figure out why these would work but not simple telekinesis >.>

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: oberon's lament ~ patricia spero

one downside to pre-schedule showers with home care : hungry right now , but no time to eat right now .

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: fairy melody ~ patricia spero

in teen years , kossai was more unstable and depressive , for various reasons . like plenty of other people , try to cope through humour - self-hate type of humour especially . but as people say , well , that just kind of prime brain to continue self-hate , especially when actually fuck something up .

hard to say there was really any one awakening for how kossai want to change attitudes , think was kind of just lucky to stumble on kindnesses and be in any shape to internalise those . and so ... start to shift . less about creative ways to hate and degrade , and more about totally inflate ego for kicks . like eighth wonder of world here , hello !

do kossai still have sometimes apparently-disproportionate reactions to mistakes and frustrations ? yeah . but generally much less fuel by self hate now , and more about root of problem - something that need to kick and scream about in moment , like threads that knot up and tangle mid-project , then cool down and reevaluate . and if mistake is something that will not be important by tomorrow ? can just laugh and brush off .

know these things not easy overnight fixes , especially if start off in worse position than kossai , but yeah , do think helpful .

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: tall shadows ~ ultima 9 redemption ost

that sure was … weird ?

have this dream about somehow witness divine birth of sheogorath . that was not full thing , to be fair , but that was last thing which remember before wake up .

at 6 am , way too early .

daggerfall form
definitely lean on theory of lorkhan's divine spark / sithis-shaped hole
except actually do not understand lorkhan or sithis so … who can really be sure ?

great job , brain :P

should also say : this appear as really bright flash , almost kind of have trouble remember at this point , and suddenly wake up not long after . this only ever happen once before , and that was sleep seizure - long time ago now , but happen during really painful sleep , and sure tick off that pain box through whole spine . nothing was comfortable , and still not comfortable .

do also feel little bit of headache and sluggishness , which is overall consistent , just on milder level here . unfortunately do sleep alone , so have no idea how look from outside . so maybe this was another sleep seizure , trigger by intense pain and discomfort - pain is not usually trigger alone , but can absolutely provoke if already on edge .

in that case : haha , brain , very funny to choose sheogorath . that might also explain why explanation feel so nonsensical and weird .

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: hither; the feywild ~ marty mcglovin

genuinely , to some extent feel like something is different about artfight art this year - worse , even . but then step back and realise , last year kossai did 22 attacks in total , through whole month - and first day specifically was 4 attacks , so more like 19 days of art .

this year , by july 12 , already up to 17 attacks ... with one in progress right now , too . some days have none , but others have 2 or even 3 pieces . balance is completely different from last year - only have so much time to draw , so when migraine take out this day or that day , really want to make up and still get ideas done .

so while not try to rush and churn out production , fact is that when so many things inspire - and when also have to take into account revenges this year ! - will not be able to focus on each one quite as much .
( of course revenge is not literal obligation , however , kossai have faerie's honour and want to give fair shake . )

besides that , there is honestly stuff which do better this year in comparison to last year . was never totally proud of how fat faces look , so make conscious effort to work on that , and now think alright . just need to balance time and expectations better .

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: erana's pool ~ quest for glory iii ost

really want to draw for artfight today but just have no juice at all , even after mostly-successfully dropkick pain of migraine . world still feel slightly too bright , and still pretty tired . can finally paint tree , anyway , so want to do that ! want to do really nice detail work eventually , and that also might be too much for right now , but base coats pretty simple .

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: whalefall ~ vandus

well , most of website work is specifically on character references and profiles , and most of that is what already post over here on dreamwidth , so nothing super huge to point to .
but did put up page today about how kossai handle speech bubbles for nonverbal communications ! this is very much not complete list , and bias toward characters who can use magic and what not , but still think fun to highlight :3

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: bacchus and the maenads ~ woodland

one weird effect after psychosis , regardless of clarity level : always get headaches by next day , sometimes even migraine nausea and aura outright . definitely worse if have enough clarity to push past boundaries , but even without overextend will always still get headaches . would love to know if others get that too , because like , fucking ow .

Current Mood: sore

crosspost from tumblr @ thaliendir .
not to get too in depth , but like … have very different perspective on NDE than others , and think one big part of that is plurality plain and simple .

( Read more... )

Current Mood: morose
Current Music: two of a kind ~ ghost, ft. otomachi una

hypnosis is funny here ... not sure how other plurals experience , but here in kossai ? trance is individual , not front-wide . that is to say , someone can be in very deep trance at front , but someone else can take over and immediately not seem to be in trance at all , with only slight bit of crossover fuzziness . and if that subject of trance switch back in , trance will return , though might need small re-deepener after crossover jostle .

which feel so weird , because would think that should be whole brain and carry between front , not individuals ! but no , can just switch in and out . almost like eira largely unaffect by these trances , or something . eira can still be affect by other things , and those persist between fronters - like word crashes , psychosis , and other involuntary things - but not chosen trances .

so infinitely curious about how others experience . like this can be very useful , so not exactly complain , but feel like this is weird . maybe will have to properly experiment sometime and see if someone can truly target eira for trance , and what would happen then .

Current Mood: curious
Current Music: faerie waltz ~ swimming tigress music

crosspost from tumblr .

faeries do not necessarily abide by any human expectations of gender and sex . of course , olden stories might play up importance of these things , as that was what human society place importance on . likewise , some faeries take on pretenses of these things as performance to appease or toy with humans - or take these basic ideas just to twist beyond recognition for plain and simple fun .

truthfully , traits of sexes can come in number of mixes and expressions . and that is not just faerie thing , this is very much human , animal kingdom , and beyond . sure , there can be predominant clusters of these traits , but that is not end by any means - that is only start .

unfortunately , fair amount of people do not recognise this , do not want to recognise this . ultra rarity , medical anomaly , something to gawk at . often see this as porn tropes , refusal of existence and autonomy , or requests for personal , intimate information just to satiate curiosity .

these attitudes major contributor to why kossai dance around labels , but ... honestly come to realise that tired of this , for as much as also tired of these attitudes and wish to escape . want this world to be one where no one label sex to start with , let alone whether within binary or not - but right now , still have to deal with effects of world that demand this , and only so much anyone can do to avoid .

on one hand , kossai do not feel need to consider body as intersex , regardless of human standards which say so - more important to know what feel happy and true to heart , rather than what kossai " is " . but on other hand , can get so tired to hide stories and perspectives just for frustrations of how others act , have to just silently watch as these things go by - and equally , nice to have labels and spaces that can give some safe ground back .

that all said , still have no intent to give anyone intimate details , not for any reason . kossai say this not to be spectacle for others , but to try and find some of that safety - and if not find , then make . try to pretend for long while now that feel fine with seek safety through silence and avoidance , but honestly not .

so what should this change ? nothing much - was probably not very hard to assume this anyway . but even if not directly part of this blog , hope to at least carve out something more comfortable , and to show some of that comfort for others .should break down these walls for everyone's sake .

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: queen of the fae ~ adrian von ziegler

so , mushroom village . actually not visit mushroom village in little while , ever since fufu refuse witch's request to wipe out - attend moreso to abandoned dungeon and beanstalk , since run through most of basic dialogue in mushroom village .
but today something very different happen . witch make intent clear to control this village as personal domain , and that any mushroom who still live here put self in grave danger .

this particular daughter ( guess what , another deathcap ) basically roll eyes and walk on through village anyway , and come upon grave district . here attend morbid mushy meeting , and try to rally everyone up . some girls seem apprehensive about idea of kill witch , but one verdigris agaric say already kill witch once before .

verdigris agaric ! dearest besse , witch-slayer besse ! love how get references to previous daughters , so very much love .

Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: mushy meander ~ mushroom musume ost (in game right now)

as think about with post from

lb_lee , and by extension one from

hungryghosts …

cultural differences fun . now will be clear that not sure if this come from one of human cultures kossai grow up around , if faerie thing from within court , or maybe sprinkle of both , but : can not imagine actually eat effigies of people that hate .

( Read more... )

anyway . none of this is to say what is right or wrong , just get such visceral reaction to this idea and realise never put these thoughts in words before , and so this might be interest to talk about !

Current Mood: curious
Current Music: caverns of ice ~ june westfield

also , very excite , start to get deeper into long story of mushroom musume . of course , short cycle story is clear enough - recluse want for daughter , witch offer up , again and again and again . but there is reason to this cycle , deep secrets to this world . just become matter of how to unlock .

kapii - weeping maroon deathcap - help jo to restore cafe up in clouds , and now work there happily with jaq . like kuna , not many chances to actually act on cruel or visceral nature , even though try hard . want to act tougher than really able to sustain .

mevina , deathly devilish bleeding tooth , climb past jo's cafe on beanstalk to reach moon for first time . can not do anything here yet , but learn of violet-eye lady , and strange palace . ( finally recognise that picture which show off behind-scenes creation for ! yay ! ) other than that , mevina take caelia to gala , because why not .

wanami , weeping red deathcap ... yes , that is 3 deathcaps now , this garden setup is extremely good at deathcaps . will have to tweak this , because also really laggy . anyway , wanami have plenty of chances to act on visceral urges , and end up with 3 desiccation traits on top of each other ! that was huge mycelium and dampness loss with every round , but fortunately garden provide lots of dampness , and recluse provide lots of mycelium , so actually survive whole game . mostly . wanami try to pick eye flower , pick fight instead , then fail to flee and fall down chasm . with only 18 mycelium left , just no way to get back out .

but before all that ...

( spoilers of speculation )

this game is so good . need to know more immediately and consume into fibre of soul .
well , maybe not quite that dramatic , but pretty dramatic . :P

Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: water temple ~ ocarina of time ost

quite some time ago , kossai build tree out of trash - shitty gift paper , boxes , random scraps of trash , secrets that never want for anyone to see , all tape up and pin in place to shape tree . idea was would some day paper over , but just never manage to get around to that . so that tree stay as very visibly plastic wreck , while constantly threaten to fall apart just out of neglect and cover in layers of dust . sad , did not want to give up , but still never get around . not like need for materials - save up glue and so many papers for this ! but just never did , for some reason .

... until now , anyway . finally have enough of dance around work , especially with knowledge that lover legion work on plans to visit ( !!! ) , and yesterday commit to start process , paper whole thing over roughly . every few hours since then , kossai look around and touch up rough spots .
and realise that most of paper which use for this come from hospitalisations , both influenza this year and surgery last year . medication prescriptions , side effect pamphlets , discharge papers , wound care papers .

do feel some sort of strange poetry in that , but hard to put in words .

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: dusk and the rise of the moon ~ foglord

in think about mushroom musume , and various daughters that player can find : kossai not only have mushroom faeries here , but also happen to have ... potato faerie .
mushroom musume in real life is right here ~ ( joke )

actually kind of silly sometimes that character writing is very sapphic , when eira very much gay man and that tend to dominate front expression . really appreciate attention to detail , just not evoke affections in same way , hehe . so lovely how some daughters immortalise through world , though - nemuri's cavern , meloi mccoolname , how jaq and kapii work together at jo's cafe ...

... hmm , nemuri specifically lose humanity . wonder if nemuri's cavern would be not just name anymore , but literally where nemuri eventually live out life .

really want to buy house in mushroom village at some point , just need to figure out how to reliably get money . even pickpocket kuna only end up with 5 out of 10 necessary coins . ( yeah , cheap digs ! still not cheap enough . )

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: theme of gobbo gang ~ moxiecat (cohost compost)

crosspost from tumblr .
kossai grow up with paganism - sort of eclectic mix of things . learn about faeries and changelings , past lives , magic , and overall delve into culture and ideas that christians try to kill . still , that did not mean faeriehood come with one nice and easy path to follow .

under cut for length . not just about physical nonhumanity , but expect experiences will be particularly familiar there .

( Read more... )

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: elfame ~ rusted moss ost

Profile

starryconstellate